Well the day is here for my first chemo treatment. I am trying to catch this blog up to today, since I started it late. I did notice my other entries say I posted them at 2:00 am, so I need to adjust the time zone being used. I did not wake up at 2:00! It is 5:00 when I am writing this. And I slept good, worry free, knowing I'm ready for today, safe in God's hands---and those of the wonderful people He has sent me to for care.
I am aware that just as things for me have been changing the last few weeks, they change dramatically today with this first treatment. I am anxious to see how my body reacts. Many people are having chemo and working full time, so I am sure "I've got this!" Frank has decided not to go with us and that's fine with me. He will have many more times. I am so comforted that Becky, my other sister, is here with me. She's so upbeat and talkative and cheerful. I'll post back this afternoon to document how it went today.
I continue to get so many sweet, sweet cards in the mail and very caring emails and texts sending prayers and warm and loving thoughts. Just before I went to sleep last night, i got emails from friends Al and Ellen, Lee and Margaret, and Linda and Larry, all telling me they are with me in spirit today. My pastor Ann called to check on me and I got a text from my son---all very comforting. My niece Leigh started a prayer chain on Facebook last night and so MANY folks were joining in prayers for me. My niece Carol sent me the sweetest book in yesterday's mail that I just peeped into and it will be so good to read. I can't wait to get started. My niece Jean and her 4 precious children are wearing pink bracelets for me. So much love and support!
I sent Jessica, Dillon, and Meg bracelets to wear and Dillon's is blue, rather than pink, and says, Fight Like a Girl. Ha! I figured even a high school junior boy can wear a bracelet like that. I sent my sweet 94-year-old dad a pink bracelet asking him to wear it today and then if he wanted he could lay it up on his chest. He said he put it on immediately upon opening the package and will wear it through this battle. His only complaint was it is coming up on winter and with wearing long sleeves, others will not see it to also support me. What an absolute treasure it has been to have my dad with us for all these years. He is one of the most positive people you will ever meet! How can you be so upbeat and positive at 94!!! What a role model he is for us.
Well, buckle your seat belts---we're in for a long and bumpy ride and it starts today! Whoa, Nellie! I'm in the saddle, ready to go! (I know, seat belts and saddles do not really go together, but it reads well, Ha!)
Laura
Thursday, October 30, 2014
I'm I making too big a deal of this?
You know, some days I wonder if I am making too big a deal of this cancer thing. SO MANY others have gone through this, worse cancer than I have. Did it seem such a big deal to them? I cannot guess what others feel or think. I just know that to me it was a BLOW that I am still coming to terms with.
I have always been a strong woman, able to handle just about anything. We have had troubles in our lives--I've been through a divorce and had to learn to live alone, take care of my self and my son. I moved to a new town/new job alone and did not know anyone and did fine. Frank and I lost two babies through miscarriages--two precious children we wanted. I've had broken bones from falls and emergency surgeries to repair me. Three years ago Frank had a sub-arachnoid hemorrhage and we dealt with that. You all have had troubles, health issues, too, I know an we deal with them. I have always felt that I could deal with anything.
So why does this cancer seem like such a big deal to me? Because all those other things (except for Frank's hemorrhage) I knew we'd get through--to me they were not life-threatening. But to me this one (and Frank's hemorrhage) were life threatening.
Background: my mother died of breast cancer at age 57--when I was a young woman. Her cancer came up suddenly like this seems to have in me, and she too had chemo and radiation, and passed away after only 15 months. I am 10 years older than she was, but gee, I guess I'm worrying what it that happens to me. I'm not ready yet! God, I'm not ready yet. So seeing what happened to Mother has made me worry more and make a bigger deal of this.
But then we KNOW they have made huge advances in cancer treatment since 1981! So I have faith that this will be cured and I will have MANY more years to come. But you can see why I think this is a big deal! I am ready for the chemo this week!! Ready to be sure no tumors grow anywhere else in my body. Ready for the rest of my life!
After my echo cardiogram yesterday, Frank and I met with a Nurse Practitioner yesterday at Hope and she told us so much about my upcoming treatments and what to expect. It was mind boggling. She also gave me 4 or 5 prescriptions to take at various times and for various things. She told me what to eat, what NOT to eat, how much water I had to drink each day, how frequently to wash out my mouth to avoid mouth sores, and much more. When I got home, it was such a blur to try to remember it all and keep it straight. I hope I have taken the right medications I am supposed to before my treatment today!!
I have always been a strong woman, able to handle just about anything. We have had troubles in our lives--I've been through a divorce and had to learn to live alone, take care of my self and my son. I moved to a new town/new job alone and did not know anyone and did fine. Frank and I lost two babies through miscarriages--two precious children we wanted. I've had broken bones from falls and emergency surgeries to repair me. Three years ago Frank had a sub-arachnoid hemorrhage and we dealt with that. You all have had troubles, health issues, too, I know an we deal with them. I have always felt that I could deal with anything.
So why does this cancer seem like such a big deal to me? Because all those other things (except for Frank's hemorrhage) I knew we'd get through--to me they were not life-threatening. But to me this one (and Frank's hemorrhage) were life threatening.
Background: my mother died of breast cancer at age 57--when I was a young woman. Her cancer came up suddenly like this seems to have in me, and she too had chemo and radiation, and passed away after only 15 months. I am 10 years older than she was, but gee, I guess I'm worrying what it that happens to me. I'm not ready yet! God, I'm not ready yet. So seeing what happened to Mother has made me worry more and make a bigger deal of this.
But then we KNOW they have made huge advances in cancer treatment since 1981! So I have faith that this will be cured and I will have MANY more years to come. But you can see why I think this is a big deal! I am ready for the chemo this week!! Ready to be sure no tumors grow anywhere else in my body. Ready for the rest of my life!
After my echo cardiogram yesterday, Frank and I met with a Nurse Practitioner yesterday at Hope and she told us so much about my upcoming treatments and what to expect. It was mind boggling. She also gave me 4 or 5 prescriptions to take at various times and for various things. She told me what to eat, what NOT to eat, how much water I had to drink each day, how frequently to wash out my mouth to avoid mouth sores, and much more. When I got home, it was such a blur to try to remember it all and keep it straight. I hope I have taken the right medications I am supposed to before my treatment today!!
The port is in...
I say that almost like the jury is in. Gee, Tuesday's was another surgery to implant the port that will be used to deliver my "chemo cocktail" each time. I am choosing that name for my meds because I want to be positive about it. My mother used to call her chemo her "poison" and I never liked that term. While it does poison the cancer cells, it is a life giver to me, healing me of those awful cells. So I will call it my chemo cocktail.
Back to the port--I had heard from two people that this surgery was a "piece if cake". Well maybe for some and maybe after it heals, but for today, this baby hurts and is very uncomfortable! It is under the skin on your chest where a pacemaker goes. It will be great for drawing blood and giving meds or delivering chemo. Maybe it will feel better when the swelling goes down, then it might be fine. But today I think it is a big adjustment for me. It hurts!
Here are Frank and I before the surgery. I suggested another "selfie" like we did last surgery, but he didn't want to do one. So there's one of me (they let you wear NO makeup so you may never see me like this again!) and one of him contemplating the upcoming surgery.
This surgery was an easier transition for me from the operating room to the recovery room. Maybe because I was not into so deep a sleep with this one. Maybe because it was not so busy and noisy in the recovery room. I can't say I remember a lot of the recovery room but was most aware that she brought Frank to me and he was with me as she took me down to the discharge area. But I remember crying as she took me on the elevator and wheeled me down. The nurse asked me if I was all right, and I was, and honestly do not know why I was crying, except that I was so sad that all of this was happening to me--that it happens to so many of us. How can your life be just clicking along one day, with you doing what you want, living the happy life, and suddenly be derailed by something in your body that you basically did nothing to cause!
I think about all the expense of this cancer battle and praise God I have wonderful insurance---but what do people do who don't have any or not very good insurance. I so wish every person could have peace of mind about medical bills when they are going through a traumatic illness that occupies their minds. I also think of all the people it takes to wage this cancer war with you. And I am just starting. So I cried for whatever reason as I was taken to dress and be released.
I was melancholy for the rest if the day, uncomfortable with the new port, and wondering how I will stand it in my body for 6 or so months. But I am blessed to have it. Mixed emotions.
Back to the port--I had heard from two people that this surgery was a "piece if cake". Well maybe for some and maybe after it heals, but for today, this baby hurts and is very uncomfortable! It is under the skin on your chest where a pacemaker goes. It will be great for drawing blood and giving meds or delivering chemo. Maybe it will feel better when the swelling goes down, then it might be fine. But today I think it is a big adjustment for me. It hurts!
Here are Frank and I before the surgery. I suggested another "selfie" like we did last surgery, but he didn't want to do one. So there's one of me (they let you wear NO makeup so you may never see me like this again!) and one of him contemplating the upcoming surgery.
I think about all the expense of this cancer battle and praise God I have wonderful insurance---but what do people do who don't have any or not very good insurance. I so wish every person could have peace of mind about medical bills when they are going through a traumatic illness that occupies their minds. I also think of all the people it takes to wage this cancer war with you. And I am just starting. So I cried for whatever reason as I was taken to dress and be released.
I was melancholy for the rest if the day, uncomfortable with the new port, and wondering how I will stand it in my body for 6 or so months. But I am blessed to have it. Mixed emotions.
Monday, October 27, 2014
Friends hold lanterns of love...
From the moment I was scheduled for my biopsy, friends and family have been with me all the way. Friends were asking, what were the biopsy results? Have you heard anything yet? From the moment my doctor called to tell me it was indeed cancer, my friends and family have surrounded me with love and good thoughts. Friends Meg, Margaret and Lee sat so many hours with Frank during my surgery and waited to see me afterwards. It was such a comfort to him.
I have received so many cards you would not believe it!! Since I make cards myself, I am aware how it cheers a person to get a card in the mail. Daily my mailbox has been filled with cards from so many loving friends. They write the sweetest messages to me that I sometimes sit and cry as I read them, but I feel the love they carry with them and it's a cleansing cry.
Friends check with me to see how I'm doing--from the moment of my lumpectomy surgery to the present--I get so many calls and emails. I've heard from co-workers that I haven't seen since I retired but they are emailing to see how I'm doing. My friend Mimi has emailed me a Bible verse every week and has called so faithfully.
Friends have brought so many delicious meals to us! Great soups, casseroles, pot roasts! Our wonderful flock brought a huge, delicious meal to us, enough to share and have several meals. Now Frank can cook and at first he'd tell folks, no, don't bring us food. But I reminded him our friends are dealing with this cancer diagnosis, too. When a friend hurts, you hurt, too, and want to do SOMETHING to help them and you deal with it--and to show the person how much you love them. Our friends are dealing with this by ministering to us. I honestly don't know what I'd do without our friends!!
My family-- my 94-year-old dad and two of my sisters and one BIL--came up from SC to visit after my surgery and to offer support. My other sister is coming up to go to my first chemo treatment with me and Frank. How comforting to have family caring for you.
Flowers, my goodness, friends have brought flowers. My lovely step-MIL Edna even had a miniature rose bush mailed to me (she's in CA) to cheer me and it really does--every day.
My friend Ginny stepped up and taught my stamp class for me two days after my surgery. She has never done it, but she did that day and did a GREAT job. Then she brought lunch to Frank and me. What a special friend to take the weight of my stamping classes off me at that time. And many of my other stampers also have offered to help prepare for classes and to hold classes. We will get through this together.
I've received two books to read from a friend and from my sister Connie. And my sisters have searched online for me to find becoming hats I can wear when I loose my hair. Ah, sisters are wonderful.
I could go on reciting ways our friends are in this with us. In so many ways, I am reminded that none of us is in this world alone! And we do not have to handle troubles alone. We have to be open to share when we are afraid or down so these friends can pick us up. To me, it's like Frank and I are starting into this tunnel. We do not know the way, how it will affect us, what to expect, and we cannot see the end yet. I feel our friends and family are with us, holding up lanterns of love to light our way. We are not alone; you are all with us on this journey.
I have received so many cards you would not believe it!! Since I make cards myself, I am aware how it cheers a person to get a card in the mail. Daily my mailbox has been filled with cards from so many loving friends. They write the sweetest messages to me that I sometimes sit and cry as I read them, but I feel the love they carry with them and it's a cleansing cry.
Friends check with me to see how I'm doing--from the moment of my lumpectomy surgery to the present--I get so many calls and emails. I've heard from co-workers that I haven't seen since I retired but they are emailing to see how I'm doing. My friend Mimi has emailed me a Bible verse every week and has called so faithfully.
Friends have brought so many delicious meals to us! Great soups, casseroles, pot roasts! Our wonderful flock brought a huge, delicious meal to us, enough to share and have several meals. Now Frank can cook and at first he'd tell folks, no, don't bring us food. But I reminded him our friends are dealing with this cancer diagnosis, too. When a friend hurts, you hurt, too, and want to do SOMETHING to help them and you deal with it--and to show the person how much you love them. Our friends are dealing with this by ministering to us. I honestly don't know what I'd do without our friends!!
My family-- my 94-year-old dad and two of my sisters and one BIL--came up from SC to visit after my surgery and to offer support. My other sister is coming up to go to my first chemo treatment with me and Frank. How comforting to have family caring for you.
Flowers, my goodness, friends have brought flowers. My lovely step-MIL Edna even had a miniature rose bush mailed to me (she's in CA) to cheer me and it really does--every day.
My friend Ginny stepped up and taught my stamp class for me two days after my surgery. She has never done it, but she did that day and did a GREAT job. Then she brought lunch to Frank and me. What a special friend to take the weight of my stamping classes off me at that time. And many of my other stampers also have offered to help prepare for classes and to hold classes. We will get through this together.
I've received two books to read from a friend and from my sister Connie. And my sisters have searched online for me to find becoming hats I can wear when I loose my hair. Ah, sisters are wonderful.
I could go on reciting ways our friends are in this with us. In so many ways, I am reminded that none of us is in this world alone! And we do not have to handle troubles alone. We have to be open to share when we are afraid or down so these friends can pick us up. To me, it's like Frank and I are starting into this tunnel. We do not know the way, how it will affect us, what to expect, and we cannot see the end yet. I feel our friends and family are with us, holding up lanterns of love to light our way. We are not alone; you are all with us on this journey.
Sunday, October 26, 2014
And so we begin....
On September 16, I got the call from my doctor that no one ever wants to get. It was to tell me I had breast cancer. It had shown up on a recent routine annual mammogram and again on a recheck mammogram and ultra sound and he had sent me for a biopsy. The pathology report was in and it was definitely cancer. What a BLOW to get this news. If you have had breast cancer, you know what I mean. If you have not, I hope you never feel this impact. It was like a blow to the stomach with a big fist!! My doctor referred me to the Hope Center in Asheville and they scheduled surgery for a lumpectomy. They thought the lump was small and they had caught it fairly soon, so we were all hopeful. Maybe I would not even have to have chemo!! Not!
The lumpectomy was on September 30--the day before Breast Cancer Awareness Month (BCAM) begins on October 1. How ironic that this all began for me during BCAM! Here is a selfie I took of Frank and me right before they took me in to surgery. Note the lovely gown and cap I'm wearing! We are smiling but actually we were scared to death.
After surgery the doctor told Frank he had to take many more lymph nodes than he had expected and that told me the news would not be good. And my much-larger-than-expected incision also told me not to expect good news.
When the pathology report was in, we found the tumor mass was much larger than anticipated and of the 22 nodes removed, 15 were "involved" so I knew we were in for a big battle. It is Stage 3C cancer! Before we start chemo, the oncologist (my very nice doctor Blair Harkness who I will probably refer to as "Dr. H.") wanted to do a CT scan to see if I had tumors anywhere else in my body. WHAT??? This really had me worried. I guess I had never thought other places and organs might be affected. I have been coughing alot more lately, have pain under my left shoulder blade frequently in recent months, and was worried sick they'd find more cancer. The nurse said the doctor might also want to do more surgery on my breast to remove more tissue! Again, WHAT!!!
So before our meeting with Dr. H., I had a CT scan. When Frank and I met with Dr. H., we were holding our breaths to see what he'd tell us. The good news was no more surgery. And the other good news was that there were no tumors in other areas of my body. Who ever thought one would be happy to hear you have Stage 3C cancer--but so much better than Stage 4!!
Dr. H. said I will have 5 months of chemo, followed by 3 or 4 months of radiation, followed by hormone therapy. A long haul ahead of us--almost a year of treatments! I have my first chemo treatment on Thursday, October 30. But I'm ready for it now--mentally ready to start this battle we HAVE to win!
All this background to say where we are today. I'll fill in more blanks with subsequent entries.
But I want to explain the name I chose for this blog---Safe on the Mountains. I grew up in SC, but have spent all my adult life in the mountains of western NC. If you know me, you know Frank and I live on Silver Creek, in a little cove which we enjoy, and we live with nature all around us-trees, wild turkeys in the spring, deer in the fall and winter. It is a really special place and one that makes us happy with your life.
If you've visited my other stamping blog, Smileslaura, you have heard me
talk about our mountains and seen pictures of things around our house. I
love the mountains!!
Recently in Sunday School at our church, one of the scriptures referenced was Habakkuk 3:16-18. In the Good News Bible, it reads like this:
"I will still be joyful and glad, because the Lord God is my savior. The Sovereign Lord gives me strength. He makes me sure-footed as a deer and keeps me safe on the mountains."
I have always felt safe on the mountain where we live, even thought we are back off the state road with only one way in and out. So this verse just spoke to me. I know I have cancer in my body, but I KNOW God will give me strength for the journey ahead. He will keep me safe on the mountain until He is ready for me to be with him.
I hope you will follow my journey. I will try to post as often as I can and will write updates after various treatments and stages I go through. I have had several friends say I should journal or post to Caring Bridge, but this blog will be my journal. You can sign up to have messages delivered to your inbox whenever I post an entry, so you won't have to check it every day.
Come walk this treatment journey with me....
The lumpectomy was on September 30--the day before Breast Cancer Awareness Month (BCAM) begins on October 1. How ironic that this all began for me during BCAM! Here is a selfie I took of Frank and me right before they took me in to surgery. Note the lovely gown and cap I'm wearing! We are smiling but actually we were scared to death.
After surgery the doctor told Frank he had to take many more lymph nodes than he had expected and that told me the news would not be good. And my much-larger-than-expected incision also told me not to expect good news.
When the pathology report was in, we found the tumor mass was much larger than anticipated and of the 22 nodes removed, 15 were "involved" so I knew we were in for a big battle. It is Stage 3C cancer! Before we start chemo, the oncologist (my very nice doctor Blair Harkness who I will probably refer to as "Dr. H.") wanted to do a CT scan to see if I had tumors anywhere else in my body. WHAT??? This really had me worried. I guess I had never thought other places and organs might be affected. I have been coughing alot more lately, have pain under my left shoulder blade frequently in recent months, and was worried sick they'd find more cancer. The nurse said the doctor might also want to do more surgery on my breast to remove more tissue! Again, WHAT!!!
So before our meeting with Dr. H., I had a CT scan. When Frank and I met with Dr. H., we were holding our breaths to see what he'd tell us. The good news was no more surgery. And the other good news was that there were no tumors in other areas of my body. Who ever thought one would be happy to hear you have Stage 3C cancer--but so much better than Stage 4!!
Dr. H. said I will have 5 months of chemo, followed by 3 or 4 months of radiation, followed by hormone therapy. A long haul ahead of us--almost a year of treatments! I have my first chemo treatment on Thursday, October 30. But I'm ready for it now--mentally ready to start this battle we HAVE to win!
All this background to say where we are today. I'll fill in more blanks with subsequent entries.
But I want to explain the name I chose for this blog---Safe on the Mountains. I grew up in SC, but have spent all my adult life in the mountains of western NC. If you know me, you know Frank and I live on Silver Creek, in a little cove which we enjoy, and we live with nature all around us-trees, wild turkeys in the spring, deer in the fall and winter. It is a really special place and one that makes us happy with your life.
"I will still be joyful and glad, because the Lord God is my savior. The Sovereign Lord gives me strength. He makes me sure-footed as a deer and keeps me safe on the mountains."
I have always felt safe on the mountain where we live, even thought we are back off the state road with only one way in and out. So this verse just spoke to me. I know I have cancer in my body, but I KNOW God will give me strength for the journey ahead. He will keep me safe on the mountain until He is ready for me to be with him.
I hope you will follow my journey. I will try to post as often as I can and will write updates after various treatments and stages I go through. I have had several friends say I should journal or post to Caring Bridge, but this blog will be my journal. You can sign up to have messages delivered to your inbox whenever I post an entry, so you won't have to check it every day.
Come walk this treatment journey with me....
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